How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
