Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
