the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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