if you like me you must not know who I am
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
