i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
