Kiss
Puke
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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