def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
