i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
