I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
