That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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