im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
