allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
