based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
it's like heaven, but drunker
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
