Non-Jews are for practice
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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