So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
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