Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
