you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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