so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
