when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
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She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
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Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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