Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
