ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
my liver is dry heaving
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Randomize
