I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
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nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
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I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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