These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
