He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
