I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
