of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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