why didn't you poke me back
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
