i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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