I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
