there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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