Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
