He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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