eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
