People in love make me want to vomit
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
