i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
