i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
