I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
