I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
