if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
