my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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