I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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