You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Randomize
