you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
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She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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