It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
