if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
