K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
