i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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