Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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