Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
