You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
