I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
