you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
