my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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