I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
