my phone needs a breathalizer
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
