I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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