Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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