All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
