I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I love you. Go after that dick
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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