Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
