I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
