Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
