I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
